Some of the most painful grieving processes I've ever seen are the ones that weren't simple.  People who had complicated or traumatic relationships with their parents tend to grieve differently when their parents pass away. 

If you lost someone of significance to you but you weren't as close as you maybe wish you had been or you weren't on good terms, you are still allowed to mourn.  Give yourself permission to feel.  

In some cases you may even need to grieve twice....you will grieve the actual loss and the loss of the person you wish your loved one had been. 

I recently listened to one of Brene Brown's unlocking us podcasts.  She was talking about comparative suffering.  She was saying that when we comp[are traumas and suffering and play the "other people have it worse" game that we are operating from a misguided belief that empathy is finite.  We believe there is only so much compassion to go around so we dole it out very carefully....

That being said, we do this to ourselves as well.  When we don't practice self compassion because we belittle our pain, we think we are unworthy of self care.  What results is not a better version of ourselves.  The result is ultimately someone that is wrung out and exhausted.  

Years ago my therapist told me that self care isn't what you do when you need it.  You have to do it before you need it.  It is similar to not waiting for your body to give out before you start working out and eating healthy. 

We all have emotional scars. When we go through a triggering or painful time in our lives, it can be especially painful if it harkens back to a childhood wound. 

Today I would like to point out that every time you are experiencing extreme emotional pain that you have an opportunity to care for your inner child and their wounds with the tools you didn’t have as a child.   

What are some of these tools? They are likely tools you already know about.  They are ridiculously easy and trite recommendations that, if you struggle with your mental health, you are likely tired of hearing about them.  But they really work!  


Meditating-It's not always fun because it's a discipline but it really works.  

Exercise-to move your body and become more present and get endorphins. 

Self care- At the bare minimum, shower and put on real clothes.

Get outside- There is something restorative about being outside, even if the weather is not ideal.

Support-Reach out for help.  Whether from a friend, family member, therapist or life coach, there is no shame in needing help processing hard things.

  These things do work....so what is our big resistance to them? I would say a huge part of it is an internal belief that we don't deserve to feel better.  But you do! As your wound is open, let the light meet your pain so you can look at it squarely and care for yourself.  

​Founder of Saks Fifth Avenue, David Campbell said "discipline is remembering what you want."  Discipline and self-control are admirable pursuits but what happens when delayed gratification becomes no gratification?  Have your attempts at becoming a more disciplined person turned to a crippling perfectionism where your life is all stick and no carrot?

As humans, we often need to be reminded to take the disciplined approach to life.  The common wisdom is to save our money... build friendships and romantic relationships slowly to ensure longevity...clean our homes rather than watch TV all night long.  We are told to delay gratification to achieve our goals.

There are some, however, who need to be told to ENJOY their lives.  They need to be reminded that money exists to serve us and not the other way around.  Relationships can be spontaneous and still be beautiful.  The occasional dessert is important for sanity.  If you realize that you've been working non-stop and cannot remember the last time you were really joyful, I would encourage you to consider if you are a disciplined person or if you are stuck in a trap of self denial.  There is a balance to be struck when we delay gratification.